I've just opened my heart

I often ask my self "would i be a good father?". Well would i? I shit my pants only in the thought of holding my own child in my hands! But yet again would it be fair to bring a child in this world? Some would say it's not your decision but yet again who am i, and what right do i have to bring a child in all of this mess. Don't get me wrong, i will be more than happy to have a kid of my own, but still i don't consider it fair for that kid to live in today's world. I hate today's world so much and i most definitely don't want to raise a child with the current status. And then comes the next question. Do i deserve to be a dad? Do i? After all i've bin through, it seems to me that any choice i make for that kid it will be disastrous. I guess i take the examples from my dad. :-(

All of these spins in my head and yet again i start picturing my self with a kid in my arms. My own child. My own blood. Me, printed in a new life. My beginning and my end. True unconditional love. Just the thought of my kid growing up makes me want to cry. Honestly.

This time, am sitting here, and am writing my guts out. One day i will have my own kids, and i will have my own family, with the most special person in the world! "i know we had it bad since the beginning, but still i haven't lost hope. I know am not perfect, i know you're not perfect and i know we most definitely don't represent perfect, but still we represent us. That's more than enough for me. We've been through so much and we are still HERE! That must count for something. You've accepted me the way i am, all of my goods(1%) and all of my bad(99%). You are still with me and i can't even start telling you how grateful i am to you. I don't do good with promises, but you know that i will try my best for a better future. You know i wont give up. Never. You are my life. Without you am nothing. If i am proud about something in my life, that is YOU. I write down this last sentence with a tear. I love you and i miss you!