No title needed

Been so fcking long. Why now? Why again? Stop. Make it stop. It hurts. More deep than ever. Thought it was done. Not sure now though. Is it regret? Is it just cause it is unfair? What is fair then? Don't care anymore. That's a lie. Done so much better things and so many happy memories. So many people and new connections. Even after finding someone to care about. Still can't forget that pain. What a fcking mess. Need something. Something to make me stable again. Can't have it given to me. Need to find it myself. What about tomorrow that i will forget everything? I make no fcking sense do i? Well. Some might get it. Some with scars that never heal. That's it. Can't make myself more pathetic. Enough. Come back to the present. Back to Now. Laughing and crying. So stupid. That's what i get for being me. 

Don't let me think. It's Dangerous!

What to do???

So help me out. At what point do you up and leave when the position you are in it is not how it should, but rather feels like you were manipulated into it and now you have a very unpleasant daily life. From my part i still believe that i might be wrong in some way and that everything is going to work out just fine. Being a masochist that is all i'm doing ^^. Any other situation like this in the past, i would have left right then and there. Is it that i'm getting old? Now you wouldn't call 30 as old but still it is not 20 ;). Anyway. Returning to the subject. Can i find a way for me to be able to destroy the delusions in my head and finally see that it can only get worst and not better. Is it human nature or just me? I wouldn't call it faith. More like stupidity. Still though here i am having second thoughts. Circling around the same thoughts again and again and again. How to brake this awful loop. External push might help but if i'm not willing then who will? I can smell smoke. Don't let me think. It's Dangerous!

Wounded Dog

I got my ticket to fuck-town. Time to celebrate. Finally free from it. I am officially not able to do most of the things everyone else is doing. I'm so happy! My soul won't stop crying. Everyone now looks at me with that specific way, where they're practically saying "you're now useless and fucked". I look like a wounded dog. Some might say it's better to be put down. Inside i'm screaming. I AM NOT USELESS. I CAN DO MORE. DON'T WRITE ME OFF. I'M NOT DEAD MEAT. I'M STILL ALIVE. I CAN HELP. Who listens? Waiting for a response that will never come. Walking a lonely road. Well, i'm used to it. Being alone ain't a new thing. That look i get from others though. That is indeed unbearable. My anger is frozen by my inability to convince. All i have is a keyboard that feels and understands me. The keyboard is crying... Don't let me thing. It's Dangerous!

Whining

Off to a new start. Off to a new way of thinking. Enough with the old. Bring the new into my life. What the fuck am i saying? I'm always so full of shit! There's nothing new. It's always the same. Only thing gained is the experience. From that alone you can start making new decisions. And right there is the big problem. Ready set Go. Ready set Go. GOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! Nothing! So optimistic, making these ideas in my head and thinking that this is it. But nothing. No actions! Thinking of what to do and doing what i'm thinking are two different things. I'm too lazy. I'm too afraid. I'm too indifferent. The lies i tell to myself. I'm too busy. I'm too sick. I'm too poor. Even though i do have a huge obstacle in my life and i'm sure you have one of those, does that justify inaction? It's not fair. But it is what it is. Deal with it and stop whining. I'm not saying be great but at least do something. You have an expiration date. Move your ass and start doing things.

PS another attack came as i was writing. So i'll stay here not doing anything. Not moving forward. Whining. Don't let me think. It's Dangerous!

Frustrated

Off we go. Come on. Let's go. We're going to run and run and run. Destination? Unknown! Anywhere that the heartless can't survive. Somewhere without corrupted people. Does a place like that really exist? I hope it does. It's where i want to be. Away from the pain that others cause. Away from the pain that i cause to myself by staying. Why do i stay? I shouldn't be here. Someone out there who can help? No! None! Only i can help myself. It's lonely. Well loneliness is an old friend so i think i'll be alright. It'll be nice though to have company. I don't know. I'm getting old too fast and can't stop the frustrations. Please don't let me think. It's Dangerous!

Time Limit

The one thing i'll never understand. Life! I think i understand the rules but i don't really go by them. I guess i like to make my own ^-^ That doesn't exclude me in any way though from reality. You see i'm still in the same game as you. My time is limited though. I've seen and heard so many cases where people used their remaining time accomplishing great things, but i'm not one of them. I'm a coward. Curled up in a black hole. I don't know how much time i have so what's the fucking point. What about you? Are you a coward? Don't let me think. It's Dangerous!

Meaning

At what point do you realise that everything you've been doing so far is worthless??? I mean what's the point? Either you try hard to achieve something you regret or just be lazy and regret that you've achieved nothing! It all comes down to regret. Cause you're never sure and you're never satisfied! You greedy bastards!!! Isn't this enough? What more do you want? I'll tell you what. You're the same as me. And i know exactly what it is that you need. That's what i need too. MEANING!!! The only thing that's missing from our lives. That's what you call meaningless! You can pretend all you want that everything is how it supposed to be but you don't fool me. I know. I'm in the same shit. Maybe deeper ^-^ There you have it. Nothing helpful for you here. Only realisation. Wise words from an untalented, unqualified, stupid person. Me ^-^ Please Don't let me think. It's Dangerous!